I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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