The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
