Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
