During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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