I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
