Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
