we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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