my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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