Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Houston, we have a squirter
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
