I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
