Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Randomize
