He asked to "fluff my boner.."
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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