Have you finally orgasmed yet?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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