Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
