We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
