Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
