well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
