you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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