Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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