It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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