There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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