worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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