If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
