even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
