I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
