What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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