he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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