dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize