The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
