i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i drank out of a bidet.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize