i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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