tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
