Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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