ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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