ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
