When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
