Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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