My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Sorry about my life...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
