I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Randomize
