What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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