May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
