the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
