I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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