She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
