I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
