I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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