Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
