I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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