Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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