Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
