I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
