remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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