The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
