I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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