honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
