I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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