I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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