Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize