Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
