All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
