Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
