Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i drank out of a bidet.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize